Lalli Tower hits snag

Lalli Tower, the new 110-story office-building, retail-industrial-commercial-residential complex scheduled to be constructed in Acton, has hit a snag, according to the Commonwealth's Transportation Czar, John X. Macpherson.

"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry," said Macpherson, quoting the poet Robert Burns.

"We have been transporting Lalli Tower fully constructed by barge to Boston, and we hit an underpass along the Erie Canal," he said. "I thought someone had measured all the clearances, but I guess we missed one. Hey, mistakes happen, this is government work," he shrugged.

The tower, over 1,800 feet long and weighing 4 million tons, will be shipped by boat along the Erie Canal, to the Atlantic Ocean, when it will make its way into Boston's port. Then it will take Route 2 out to Acton, according to the plan.

The Tower created over 18,722 construction jobs in Chicago, where they built it next to the Sears Tower (only slightly smaller). This saved on design plans, said chief LEGO architect Miley Cyrus. "We have employed sophisticated multi-purpose building blocks to construct the tower, then used 'Crazy-Glu' brand adhesive to make everything stick together," she sang.

"If you look carefully at the Sears Tower, you will see that it is ideal to be reconstructed out of lego-like materials," she texted.

"Unfortunately, we should have kept it in sections because no one told us we were moving it to Acton, Massachusetts. Had we known that critical piece of information, we would have done the gluing on site," she tweeted.

When we asked Governor Patrick about all the construction jobs he promised for Massachusetts, he replied, "Guys, I'm from Chicago. What do you want?"

The Tower's final location is still being debated in Acton as it slowly makes its way to the Boston area. Local officials said they would be ready with a final decision very soon, if not by the end of this article.

The building's snag, wedged beneath a centuries-old bridge, is expected to be resolved in less than a week as they lower the water level of the canal. "We are just a few inches from getting underneath," Macpherson said. "So long as it doesn't rain in the next couple of days, we should be fine."

The Megatower Building Committee (MBC) has reopened the site selection process fifteen times in response to community input, reported Secretary Cali Chrome, who recently joined the Committee after being put out to pasture. "I neighver thought we would get this far. Brrrrrr," she said.


"Believe it or not, we ended up with Option C," said MBC Chair Pierre Aston.

MBC has decided to position the tower on top of Great Hill, in the heart of Acton's conservation land. The Committee listed three good reasons for the switch.

* No swampy mess or snapping turtles to deal with.

* The tower's shadow will provide needed shade for the nearby soccer field.

* Easy site access once all the trees have been cleared.

But they mentioned two problems:

* Tons of blood-sucking mosquitoes.

* Possible mudslides from denuded forest, endangering the popular new yogurt shop on Main Street.

"We decided to switch locations because 'three reasons to do it is better than two reasons not to do it," said Aston. "Four if you count reason one as two reasons."

Bean Carter, the town's Tree Warden, relished the thought of cutting down all those trees. "I've been telling the town for years that we need more skilled arborists, and now we can hire 10 of them," he said. "I've never met a tree I didn't want to chop down," he said.


Lalli Tower, if positioned on top of Great Hill, will be the tallest structure in America, according to the town's Tower Commissioner, Bean Carter. "I wear a lot of hats in town, if that's your question," he said.

Lalli Tower, the size of Chicago's Sears Tower, only slightly smaller, will actually be higher when placed upon Great Hill. "That will give us a fifteen-foot height advantage over the Willis Tower, and seventy-five feet because we plan on taping our current communications array on top of the building's existing communications array," said Marcus Hall, the town's mysterious Communications Czar. "I don't know if that will cause interference because it's never been done before, but that's just another 'first' for Acton."

"This assumes our GPS mapping system is accurate, and if it will be accepted by the Guinness Book of World Records," he added skeptically.

"Frankly, another 'first' for Acton was the deciding factor in placement," said Aston. "Also, the Garden Club has plans to turn Great Hill into a giant sundial, which will mean we don't have to spend the money to fix the clock on top of Town Hall."

"I'm told this will be the most accurate sundial in the world," he beamed.


Until the Tower has been installed, Acton should not assume it will get the structure and the thousands of good-paying jobs it will create.

"There may be other towns who will be vying for the economic development this Tower represents," said Police Chief Fred Whipplemajor. "My force is deployed along the travel route in Upper New York State to make sure that doesn't happen. Of course, I kept two officers in Acton to cover things for the next few weeks, one guy for the day shift, one guy for the night shift," he said.

But Aston was still nervous. He kept looking over his shoulder. "I hear that other towns, specifically a town just west of us, is eyeing the Tower jealously. I've had dealings with that town and I know that if it is something they want, they will probably get it."

Whipplemajor was not worried. "Once we get it to Acton, I'll double the guards around the Tower and we will conduct rappelling exercises day and night to keep it," he said.

"I don't care how many fifers they march down here."

Governor Patrick said he wouldn't get involved in any possible dispute between two towns. "That is for their local police and Minuteman Militia to decide," he said.


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